Married Sex: An Observation (For Singles Too)

18 06 2018

I have a theory and I believe the testimony of hundreds of married couples backs up this theory. The theory is the more sex you have outside of marriage, the less sex you have within marriage.

 

My wife and I have the privilege to speak with many couples each year and we have never heard one of them remark anything remotely close to this statement, “We’re so happy that we engaged in premarital sex.”  As well, we’ve never heard, “Premarital sex helped us prepare for marital sex.”  What we have heard is that sex before marriage actually stole intimacy from their marriage.  Sex was no longer special, awaited and neither did it gather the excitement anticipated.

 

Premarital sex is titillating, full of emotion and coated in brain chemicals that run amuck.  It’s also full of the fear of being caught, and overcome by having, no, taking what does not belong to you.  Once married, that anticipation diminishes to the point in which some couples are not engaging in sexual intimacy on their wedding night.  Even further, we often hear the expression that sexual intimacy is rarely occurring now that they are married.  Imagine, this divine gift given to us by God, now stolen from us because of lust-filled desires.

 

Now, hearing from those singles who have waited, saved themselves for the one they will spend the rest of their lives with…never have we heard one single word or expression of regret, bemoaning the fact that they were inexperienced.  To discover this world with one another was a huge part of the gift itself.  Encountering one another sexually, within godly boundaries, literally helps to carry intimacy throughout the marriage, all the while maintaining their vows spoken before God.

 

Anytime we violate God’s principles, we also violate human value, respect and honor.  Sex outside of marriage is a sin against our body (I Corinthians 6:18) and a violation against our future marriage.  Because marriage is sacred, as is the act of marriage, we break covenant with God through immorality (I Corinthians 6:9). We disrupt His desire and design for our future.  When we worship the created more than the Creator, we have convinced ourselves that our will and our desires, not God’s, are best for us.

 

Have you succumbed to sex outside of marriage?  You can be forgiven of your sin and be renewed in your commitment to purity before God. He longs to give to you a fresh start, but you must be serious about that commitment.  His Spirit dwells within the Christian to not sin because, “…you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.”  (I Corinthians 6:19 & 20)

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8 Reasons Why You Are Not a Victim

4 06 2018

I first wrote this and shared it with a victim of rape. She was deeply hurting, feeling victimized and of course dealing with shame.  If the enemy of our soul can keep us in shame and victimization, he will keep us from future effectiveness.  Perhaps something written below will speak to you and help with something you still feel from your past or maybe a friend is in need of it.

  1. You are not a victim. Victims give up influence and assertion.  Victims do not know who they are because victims are lost in insecurity and suffer a loss of identity. But, because the believer’s identity is not in himself, it is already lost to Christ and the power of His resurrection.  (See II Corinthians 12:9 – His power is made perfect in your weakness.)
  2. God’s plan is victory. Sin is a part of the Genesis three world we live in.  Victory means that God takes the evil of this world and turns it into something victorious.  Being a Christian does not mean we do not experience the evil of this world because it rains on the just and the unjust.  It means God has a bigger plan, a greater story.
  3. You are not responsible for someone else’s sin against you. True guilt leads us to repentance. Shame leads us to condemnation. True guilt followed by true repentance leads to life.  Shame leads to death of one’s spirit and soul.  Shame leaves us feeling exposed, injudicious, inadequate or defective in some way. Shame breeds condemnation and condemnation breeds more shame.  Jesus took our shame on the cross, as well as, our sorrows.  He spoke to you from the cross, “Shame off of you.”  We must ask ourselves: What am I responsible for and what am I not responsible for? What is the responsibility of the offender?  What am I learning about myself through this?
  4. What boundaries did I break or do I need to instill in my life? Perhaps we realize that we broke our own boundaries or had not thought through God’s boundaries.  We need to search His word for His boundaries and His values that He gives us for protection. God’s boundaries are not as the world’s boundaries because He has our best interest in mind.
  5. Do not repress your anger. Often we have a tendency to go inward with our anger after severe hurt(s).  Anger can erupt from feeling powerless and out of control, wanting to “make someone pay”. Allow your anger to be a positive force for healing and personal change.  Anger does not make a better athlete or person, but a more careless one.  If pressed down, it leads to bitterness and self hate.  (See Job 7:11 and Ephesians 4: 26-27 where we are told to not allow our anger to cause us to sin.)  Talk through and work through the anger so you are not stuck in its grip.  Keep moving through the sadness so you can reach the acceptance piece of godly grief.
  6. Obsessions of thought. Watch for thought obsessions turning into actual physical obsessive compulsions.  Maintain life balance through prayer, worship, counseling, talking to parents and trusted friends who are confidential.
  7. Forgiveness pursued. Watch for defense mechanisms, e.g., rationalism, denial, unforgiveness, becoming the fixer or the peacemaker. Matthew 18:21 says to forgive continually.  There is a difference between extending forgiveness and complete forgiveness.  Not forgiving or forgiving only partially will initially cause us to feel power over the perpetrator, but it will only punish us in the end.  Take steps to forgive the perpetrator as God gives you the grace to do so.  Forgive yourself; He has forgiven you.  You cannot change what decisions you made, but you can forgive yourself and move on so you can grow from them.  Forgive God rather than allowing bitterness or anger at God.  Because of Jesus, God understands our disappointment.  Remember Jesus said from the cross, “My God, why have you forsaken me?”
  8. Move on and mature in God. Allow a tragedy to become a springboard for a better future. For example, we will never know why we were born into the family we were born into, but we do know that God has used it to make us who we are today.  (Isaiah 43:2)

You cannot change this situation, but you can let it change you to become more secure, more compassionate, a stronger and more loving person used by God to bring healing to others.





Real Fear Vs. False Fear

26 03 2018

I grew up without a fear of dogs until one cold and snowy day. While sledding at my neighbor’s house, their mean-spirited German Shepherd was released from his chain (a big chain I might add). He chose to go after me while on my sled and bite me in my meatier portion through several pair of pants. I immediately went home crying. Later, around age 15, I was riding my motorcycle past a neighboring farm and their mongrel decided he didn’t like motorcycle riders. He actually caught me, made a leap straight up and latched on to my left arm. I had several really nice puncture wound, landing my mother and me at the Dr. for a tetanus shot and wound care.

Undoubtedly, I became a little skittish around dogs, especially big dogs. But was my fear legitimized by these incidents? I believe it was. The fear was based on real life encounters with real life dogs and real life bleeding wounds to prove it. Fears can be real due to actual life experiences and fears can be false. Let me explain.

Bethany said “I do” to Derek, madly in love with him. Without reason, she struggled almost daily that Derek would one day leave her. No matter what Derek said and no matter how he reassured her, she still maintained her fear. Where was it from and why was it so powerful in her life?

When Bethany was just five years old, her father walked out of her life. She carried that fear into her marriage and was waiting for her husband to do the same one day. It was a false fear, based on no present reality or truth.

Someone once shared with me that the word FEAR could be an acronym.

When our fear is based on the real, our Father can heal that place in us by His love because His love casts out fear (See I John 4: 18). When the fear is false, His truth can set us free from the lie that is holding us captive. Our job is not to assume that all of our fears are based on truth. We can pray as they are identified and ask God what is true and what is false so that healing can follow.





Pursuing Personal Steps to Change and Healing

19 02 2018

 Wholeness is a lifelong pursuit.  Here are a few steps to help:

  1. If God were mean-spirited, angry and going to “get me,” I’d already be “got.” Instead, He placed all of His anger on His Son, on the cross and not on me.
  2. My heavenly Father planned me from eternity (Ephesians 1: 4) and He so much wanted me born that the family I was born into was/is inconsequential. The truth is, He so much desired a relationship with me, that according to Acts 17: 24-28 this is the time, the season and the place of all eternity that I would be on the earth.
  3. I was presented the gospel and I asked for forgiveness of my sin and received the unconditional love of my Savior, Jesus, and became born again.
  4. I stopped blaming my earthly parent; he/she was not perfect. The revelation from God is, “You were never a perfect son.” To this day, I am not a perfect father/mother or son/daughter. I had to let my earthly parent off the hook from perfection and realize he/she carried with him/her lots of generational pain and hurts themselves.
  5. The more of the love of God I received for myself, the more of the love of God I received for my earthly parents and family. I am a child of the King and a vital part of His kingdom and through me He changes culture, even family culture. I am an adopted son in which I now cry, “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:15)
  6. I was no longer in need of the approval of my earthly father or mother when I knew I had the approval of my heavenly Father. Romans 15:7 says, “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you…”
  7. When my heavenly Father told His Son on the earth He was His beloved Son in whom He was well pleased, He also said that to me. My identity and my esteem were no longer in who I thought I should be, but in who I already was in Christ. I was destined for adoption as a son, according to His will and His purpose. (Ephesians 1: 5-6)
  8. Life is not about me, my stuff, my need for healing or my brokenness. If it were solely about me, I would still be broken and walk in the curses of the generations before me. Christ became a curse for me, so that the curses from my father’s father to my father, to me, and to my children are broken through His death on the cross. “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us…” (Galatians 3:13)
  9. There is no longer a need for retribution or justification. What happened to me became a reason to pursue wholeness, maturity, security and sanctification in my God and His truth. I needed to get back at no one. Jesus took this need for human justification by being the only Just One that could actually justify. (Romans 3: 21-31) I am justified by faith.
  10. Today through health and healing, I set the boundaries. I speak the truth in love with respect and a spirit of honor.

Prayer For Healing

Dear Heavenly Father, out of my personal brokenness I have allowed things into my life known and unknown that do not honor You. I confess to You my need for ongoing healing and restoration. I give freedom to You or Your representative to help me step down into and expose my own sewers. I give permission for You, the One who was broken for me to reveal, to bring to light rebellion, deception, independence, insecurity, comparison, compulsions, guardedness, self-justification, pride, critical judgment of myself and others and any and all ungodly beliefs. I repent for any and all of these and trust You to do the work of healing that only You can do so thoroughly.

 I now come to renounce the beliefs, the thoughts, the emotions and the reactions that the evil one has perpetrated in my life from these beliefs. This is not who I am in You. For by Your grace I am a son/daughter, forgiven, regenerated, redeemed, restored and filled with the Holy Spirit of God no longer to be afflicted or harassed in these areas again. In Jesus’ name, Amen.








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